


The Thin Line Between Love And Love

by lumaste



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Romance, Friendship, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 08:18:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2500961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumaste/pseuds/lumaste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raúl and Fernando are happy together until they come face to face with the ghosts from their past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Thin Line Between Love And Love

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the first round of [Futbal_MiniBang](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Futbal_MiniBang).  
> Many thanks to [RuinNine](http://archiveofourown.org/users/RuinNine/pseuds/RuinNine), who beta'd the fic. The title is hers too (and [Iron Maiden's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5Dwj3e5DdQ)).  
> The amazing [dld_ftw](http://archiveofourown.org/users/dld_ftw/pseuds/dld_ftw) did [a wonderful mix](http://www.adrive.com/public/9wsu4r/Thin%20Line%20Mix.zip) for the story.

The painter is mediocre. Fernando doesn't understand why there is so much fuss about him. He glances at Raúl, who seems as bored as he is, but is politely following the animated conversation between his business partner and an art critic. Fernando rolls his eyes. It’s that business partner’s fault that they’re here now. He convinced Raúl that the art opening is the event of the year. He probably sleeps with the painter. 

Raúl catches his glance and mouths “save me”. Fernando snorts and saunters over to his fiancé. 

“I see you’re discussing a very interesting subject here,” he says. 

“Yes, I was just telling Mr. González…” the art critic begins, but Fernando interrupts him with a charming smile. 

“I’m sure what you were telling Mr. González is really important, even though he doesn’t understand anything about art,” he says, “But if you could excuse us for a moment, I’ll be right back and I promise to be a much more interested listener than Mr. González." 

"O-of course," the critic stammers, but Fernando is already dragging Raúl away, out of the gallery. 

"I don't know how you get away with being so rude every time," Raúl says barely containing his laughter. 

"It's a part of my charm," Fernando answers cheekily. 

"We should have stayed at home," Raúl mutters, "I think it would have been more interesting than looking at these stupid paintings." 

"I'm sure it would have been more interesting," Fernando purrs and then sighs, "But we'd better go back. Your friends are probably already looking for you." 

"What if we just fled?" Raúl suggests. 

Fernando shakes his head. "You're the most important, I mean the richest person there. Everyone would lose the meaning of their lives if you left. Let's go, by now that man should have found another one to bore to death." 

Raúl follows him back to the gallery, but they decide to stand inconspicuously in front of a painting and pretend they're discussing it. 

"There, I think that thing looks like a pig head," Raúl whispers. 

"It's a vase," Fernando snorts. 

Raúl starts laughing, then stops abruptly, looking frozen at one point. 

"What?" Fernando says and turns to see what Raúl is looking at. 

_Who_ Raúl is looking at, it turns out. Fernando has never seen the man in person, but recognizes him immediately. He freezes just like his fiancé and stares at the man who suddenly turns to them. His blue eyes widen, and before Fernando can blink, he disappears from the hall with Raúl running after him. 

For a second Fernando considers following them, but wisely decides to stay at the gallery and wait until Raúl has talked with the ghost from his past. He waits for half an hour, for an hour, for an hour and a half. The gallery has almost emptied by then, and Fernando isn't even trying to conceal his trembling lips and answers to the question where Mr. González went with a dismissive shrug. 

He calls a cab, because Raúl has apparently taken the car, goes home and lies in their bed. Wishes he'd fall asleep before Raúl came back, but knows he won't.

***

Raúl comes home hours later. His footsteps are unsteady, and Fernando knows that he's drunk. He closes his eyes and pretends he's asleep, because he's still too hurt to be able to talk about it. Raúl calls someone, orders one ticket to Istanbul for the next day, then comes in and carefully sits on the bed. Looks like he's not as drunk as he seems.

"Fernando?" he tries, but doesn't receive an answer. "Fernando, I know you're awake." 

Fernando closes his eyes tighter and wishes he would shut up. 

"Nando, please," Raúl says, "I'm sorry. Please, talk to me." 

"Why? Guti didn't want to talk?" Fernando snaps. 

It's low. He knows it. He doesn't care. 

"No." 

Raúl sounds broken, but Fernando isn't going to feel sorry for him. 

"You left me there," he says quietly, "You left me alone and ran after someone else." 

"I'm so sorry," Raúl says. 

"Your friends were looking at me with pity and shaking their heads with a condescending smile. As if they wanted to say "poor boy, did you really think you deserve him?"" 

"It’s not true, Fernando, you know it," Raúl says, "But I-I had to, I hadn't seen him for years. We needed to talk." 

Fernando nods, even if Raúl can't see it. 

"I guess I don't have a right to complain," he says, "You can kick me out of your life, just like you took me in." 

"Fernando," Raúl says, indignant, "Don't start this conversation. You know that I have never, ever thought about you that way." 

"But I have," Fernando says, "I haven't forgotten who you are and who I am. But I still didn't deserve to be treated that way, even if only for the sake of those years we've spent with each other." 

"Nando, you put me back together," Raúl whispers, "I was broken and you healed me." 

"So now when you're healed, you can go back to your Guti, right?" Fernando says bitterly. 

"I'm not going back to him." 

"Aren't you going to Istanbul tomorrow to find him?" 

"Yes, but..." 

"You should tell me, you know? So I can start looking for a place to live." 

"Fernando, stop it," Raúl snaps, "I just have to talk to him. We didn't have a closure. We just need to talk." 

"Yeah, sure." 

"Stop with that tone, damn it," Raúl snarls, frustrated, "You know, sometimes I wish you were still that wide-eyed kid, who admired me and took everything I said for granted." 

He gasps and Fernando knows that he immediately regretted his words, but he just smirks bitterly. "Sometimes I wish I was still that kid too."

***

Raúl leaves early in the morning, when Fernando is still sleeping. Fernando is glad for it in a way; he wasn't in the mood for awkward goodbyes. Instead Raúl has left a note: _"Sorry for yesterday. I hope to be back by nighttime. Then we can talk. Love you."_

Fernando smiles. The sneaky bastard knows how to soften his heart. He shouldn't have told him how much he likes to wake up to a note written on real paper with a real pen instead of a lifeless text message. He goes to his coffee-shop in a much better mood, ready to fight for his happiness even against the ghosts from the past. 

In the evening, when he's already said his goodbyes to everyone and is going to go home, he receives a call he's been waiting for for a very long time. 

"I found him," the private investigator says, and Fernando forgets about the dinner he wanted to prepare for Raúl, forgets even about Raúl himself, when he is told where exactly to find his own ghost.

***

Raúl has been standing in front of the door for already fifteen minutes. The piece of paper with the address is clutched in his sweaty palm. He can hear distinct sounds of Spanish music from behind the door. He raises his hand to knock, but lowers it again. He rolls his eyes at his own cowardice. He flew all the way here after all for this. Yesterday, when he saw Guti at the gallery, he ran after him forgetting about everything, even about his fiancé, but now he can't bring himself to face him. Guti made it very clear that he doesn't want to see him and doesn't want to talk to him. He only blurted out that he's going back to Istanbul, and now for the first time in so many years Raúl is going to talk to him.

He takes a deep breath and knocks two times. The sounds of music stop and Raúl hears footsteps approaching. He almost closes his eyes, but understands just in time that he will look really stupid and opens them just as the door opens. 

Guti breathes in sharply and makes a move as if he wants to shut the door on Raúl's face, but then lowers his hand. He's never been one to flee and his escape from the gallery was very uncharacteristic. He probably really didn't want to see Raúl. 

"Are you going to tell me why you're here or are we going to stand like this all day looking at each other like idiots?" Guti snaps. 

"We have to talk," Raúl murmurs. 

"What about?" 

"Us..." 

"There is no 'us' anymore, Raúlito," Guti says tiredly, and Raúl's knees start shaking. No one before Guti and after Guti has called him that, even his mother. He's always been Raúl González Blanco, the heir of a business empire. 

"Can I come in?" he asks in a small voice. 

"Why? We really don't have anything to talk about. You told me everything, when you broke up with me, remember?" 

"It was you who broke up with me," Raúl cries. 

"I'm sorry for refusing to be your secret lover, while you went showing off your girlfriends to your beloved daddy," Guti shouts. 

His face is red now and his eyes are a little watery, and Raúl understands that even after so many years it hurts Guti as much as it hurts him. 

"Can I come in?" he repeats quietly. 

Guti looks at him for a long moment and silently goes back leaving the door open. Raúl takes a deep breath and goes after him still clutching that piece of paper in his palm.

***

Fernando doesn't remember when he was in these parts of the city for the last time. It's been years for sure. He finds the bar rather quickly, parks his car and gets out. His heart is beating furiously, he gulps and goes in.

He's prepared accordingly - a hat that covers his hair and forehead, a scarf that covers his mouth and glasses that he's sure make him look like an idiot. If the freckles on his nose don't give him away, no one can recognize him like this. Thankfully the bar is semi-dark. Fernando chooses a table, where he's in almost absolute darkness and looks around. It's a dirty place with a few tables and a small stage. 

Fernando orders a beer so as not to raise suspicion and starts waiting. He doesn't have to wait for long; ten minutes later the bar transforms into a brothel and a few scarcely dressed boys appear. 

Fernando recognizes him immediately. His heart starts beating faster and his fingers start trembling. Fernando stares at him for minutes, watching how he's smiling and walking around the tables. His hair is shorter now, barely reaching his shoulders. He's more muscular, a little more mature, but he's still the Sergio Fernando remembers from five years ago. He sinks lower in his chair, suddenly scared Sergio will recognize him. He came here determined to talk to Sergio, but he doesn't want to embarrass his friend coming up to him at his working place all of a sudden. He glances at Sergio again. He's practically naked except for suspenders and the tiniest pair of latex boxers Fernando has ever seen, and he has seen many. He squirms in his chair imagining how uncomfortable it must be. 

Sergio suddenly appears next to his table, and Fernando jerks back frightened. But Sergio doesn't look at him. He doesn't look at anyone. He just slides through the tables with a fake smile on his lips and a vacant look in his eyes. 

Just as he is going to leave, a man from the table next to Fernando gets up and yanks at his hair. Sergio stops with a gasp, but when he turns back, his smile doesn't waver. 

"I want to fuck you," the man growls. 

"Sure," Sergio says. 

The man grabs Sergio's ass with two hands and pulls him closer. 

"But first I want you to suck me off," he sneers. 

"Anything you say," Sergio winks, "Shall we go upstairs?" 

"No," the man says, "Let's go to the stage." 

This time Sergio’s smile does falter. His eyes grow wide and pleading as he shakes his head. 

“Please, let’s go upstairs,” he whispers. 

The man pulls him closer. “Go to the stage,” he intones. 

Fernando clenches his fists. He knows this kind very well. The kind that wants to hurt. He wishes Sergio would push him away and tell him to fuck off, but he knows it won’t happen. Instead Sergio nods and lets the guy drag him to the stage. 

“Take those off,” the man barks. 

Sergio strips off his tiny boxers and kneels down. Everyone’s attention is on the stage now. Fernando can tell that Sergio’s trying to avoid glancing towards the audience. The man lowers his pants. Fernando looks away. 

His hands are shaking in rage. He knows he has to do something and he has to do it now. But he can’t just get up, punch the man in the face and run away with Sergio. They won’t make it out of the bar. He’s seen the security guys standing next to the door. 

He hears choking sounds and his heart almost stops beating. Sergio never chokes, the man has to be deliberately aiming for it. Fernando jumps up determined and walks to the door, where is sitting the man he has identified as the owner of this place. 

“I want the guy on the stage,” he says trying not to hate himself too much. 

“He’s busy, you have to wait,” the owner says and continues staring at the stage. 

“I want him now,” Fernando says throwing a bunch of banknotes on the table. 

The owner looks at the money and then at Fernando. “But-but I can’t interrupt them. That guy is one of our regulars.” 

Regulars? Great, now Fernando will know where to find him. He’ll ask Raúl’s thugs (who he prefers to call bodyguards) to have a talk with this guy about the right way to treat people. He’s never done it before, but he’ll make an exception this time. 

“I said now,” he repeats and puts more money on the table. 

He's learnt this from Raúl. With enough money and confidence you can have everything your way. 

He hears Sergio cough and croak, “Please, let’s go upstairs to continue.” 

He’s whispering, but the place is small and everyone hears him. The man just laughs. The owner nods to one of the muscular guys standing behind him and he moves to the stage. 

“You prefer to have him here or take him for the night?” he asks Fernando, “We have delivery.” 

Fernando digs his nails in his palms not to let himself strangle the guy. 

“At my place,” he says. 

He writes down the address of the closest of Raúl’s apartments. He has taken the key beforehand thinking he might need it. 

“What? But I hired him,” he hears and glances back. 

Sergio is standing behind the security guy, clutching at his arm, while the man who is going to have his ribs broken in a few days, wants to reach him and drag him back. 

“I'm not going to pay for him,” he shouts. 

“Discuss it with the boss,” the security tells him and then turns to Sergio, “Go and shower or whatever, you have a house call.” 

Sergio nods, looking incredibly relieved, and runs upstairs stark naked. 

“Tell him to… wear casual clothes,” Fernando says controlling his voice with difficulty. 

“Will be done,” the owner says. 

Fernando adds more money to the pile on the table and says, “I’m leaving and if he isn’t at my place in forty minutes, I’ll close this hole down.” 

The owner apparently believes him, because he fervently assures Fernando that everything will be as he wishes. Fernando nods and leaves without glancing back. He drives fast, goes to the apartment and washes his face with cold water. He attributes to it the fact that he’s shaking with whole body.

***

Guti's apartment is modest, but nice, and Raúl at once feels at home. He always felt at home with Guti no matter where they went. But when the blond man turns and stares at him with his cold look, Raúl shivers. Guti raises his brows.

"Uh," Raúl says. 

"What?" Guti snaps, "You don't have anything to say, do you? We told each other everything. You are just being your stubborn self and want to destroy my life again." 

"I don't..." 

"Didn't you destroy it enough for your taste?" Guti cries, "I ran out of the country." 

"I didn't ask you," Raúl mumbles. 

"Your father did." 

"What?" Raúl croaks. 

"He made me, more precisely," Guti smirks, "Said my parents would find me with a slit throat if I didn't." 

"I-I didn't know..." 

"Of course you didn't." 

Raúl slumps on a chair and hides his face in his palms. "I was just as destroyed after you left," he murmurs, "I was looking for you everywhere. I thought I would die." 

"You looked very much alive to me yesterday, hand in hand with your Barbie," Guti spits. 

"José," Raúl says, but Guti misses the warning note in his voice or chooses to ignore it. 

"Do you even realize that he's after your money?" he laughs humorlessly, "I can't believe you'd just pick up someone from the streets and get engaged to him." 

"I see you're well informed," Raúl snaps. 

"Yeah, the whole city knows through how many beds your pretty fiancé has passed." 

Raúl doesn't even notice how he jumps to his feet. "Don't insult Fernando, you don't know him," he warns. 

"Oh, look how protective we got," Guti mocks, "Tell me, Raúlito, how did your dad take the news that you're seeing a whore? Or maybe you did it on purpose to get him that stroke?" 

"Shut up," Raúl growls. 

He's already at an arm's distance from Guti, who is staring at him defiantly, his blue eyes glistening. Raúl launches forward and Guti backs up to the wall. 

"Father had had the stroke before he found out about Fernando," Raúl spits out through gritted teeth, "After that he reconsidered his values and accepted my choice." 

"Then why didn't you come for me?" Guti whispers, "Your dad was the only obstacle between us. Why didn't you come for me?" 

And that's it. All the anger leaves Raúl in a moment at the sight of those sad eyes. "I couldn't just ditch Fernando," he mumbles. 

Guti closes his eyes and when he opens them, they are even sadder. "You love him," he says and it's not a question, "You love him more than you loved me." 

Raúl smiles sadly. "I've never loved anyone more than I love you," he says. 

He jerks up, when feels Guti's lips on his own.

***

The knock on the door startles Fernando even though he's been waiting for it. He approaches the door with quick steps and looks out of the peephole. Sergio is standing there, wearing casual clothes as he requested. At least as casual as it can get in this case - his shirt is still too tight and his jeans are still too low. He looks around impressed, then knocks again.

For a moment Fernando doesn't want to open the door, for a moment he forgets why he's been looking for Sergio and what he was going to tell him. But then Sergio frowns slightly before knocking for the third time, and it's so familiar that Fernando just can't deal with it. He opens the door and Sergio slides in. 

"Your delivery," he purrs seductively and then he sees Fernando. 

His eyes become wide and shiny and his mouth opens, then closes and opens again. He blinks a few times and takes a small step back. Fernando doesn't find anything better to do than to smile and wave dumbly, as though they parted just yesterday. 

"Fernando," Sergio whispers as if he doesn't believe his eyes. 

"Yes," Fernando confirms. 

"You..." Sergio croaks, "You... hired me?" 

"Yes, I-I mean no," Fernando stammers, "I just-just wanted to see you and-and that man in the bar, he was..." 

"You were in the bar?" Sergio hisses. 

Fernando nods. 

Sergio closes his eyes. "What do you want?" he asks. 

"I wanted to find you," Fernando speaks through the lump in his throat. 

"Why?" 

"Because you're my friend, Sese," Fernando says ignoring the look Sergio flashes him, "I never wanted you to leave. I was looking for you all this time." 

"Why, Fernando? I asked you not to. I asked you to leave me alone! Why did you bring me here?" 

"I just wanted to help," Fernando says defeated. 

"I don't need your help," Sergio shouts, "I'm not a charity case! I told you that five years ago." 

"Sergio, I know how you feel..." 

"No, you don't. You don't fucking know how I feel. You know nothing about me." 

Fernando bites his lip. What hurts the most is that Sergio is right. He knows nothing about him. He doesn't know what he's been through during these years that made the happy, easy-going guy Fernando knew turn into this bitter, hurting person. Sergio, who never lost hope no matter how horrible fate was to him, who always made Fernando smile even when he was in despair, that Sergio now looks tired and sad. Fernando doesn't know anything. Doesn't know how many times he's been on that stage. Doesn't know how many times he's been beaten and left to bleed. Doesn't know how many times he needed someone to be next to him, but no one was there. 

"I'm sorry," he whispers. 

Sergio shrugs. "Whatever, I'm leaving." 

"No, please," Fernando cries, "Stay." 

"What if your precious boyfriend comes and sees me here?" Sergio spits out. 

"He won't," Fernando mumbles, "He's gone after the love of his life." 

"What?" Sergio exclaims, "He left you?" 

"I don't know," Fernando answers, "He said they needed to talk." 

"Fer," Sergio says coming closer, "If he dares to hurt you, I'll hunt him down." 

Fernando almost smiles, because this is the Sergio he knows, the one that would do anything for his friend. But he doesn't, because he still wants to cry whenever he remembers Raúl and Guti. He sighs. "Sergio, it doesn't matter now." 

"No, this is what matters," Sergio shouts marching into the living room, "Nando, tell me the truth. If he hurts you, I swear to God..." 

"Sese, it's not about me, it's about you," Fernando interrupts. 

"No, Nando," Sergio slumps down on the sofa, "You don't understand. All these years, all these years no matter what happened to me, I thought at least you were happy. At least you didn't live this life anymore. At least you were safe and not hurting. At least you didn't get fucked with and ended up with a broken heart like an idiot. I thought that even if I hated that boyfriend of yours, at least he loved you and he'd take care of you. But if it isn't so, Nando, I'll kill him, I don't care that he's a millionaire and I'm just a whore." 

"Sergio, he... Raúl loves me," Fernando says, "I-I was... I am happy with him. But I still missed you, Sese. I felt... incomplete without you and I felt so alone sometimes I could wail. You understood me completely, I didn't even need to use words with you. Why did you leave? Why did you leave me alone?" 

"You... didn't need me anymore, Fer. I was just going to be a burden, a reminder of your past, while you were starting a new life. You were going to have new friends from the high society and you weren't going to need some hooker." 

"But I did," Fernando says, "I needed you. All the time. I still need you. I don't have any high society friends, Sese, they all despise me secretly. They all know who I was and they will never forget it. Do you know how many of Raúl's friends offered me money to sleep with them?" Fernando sees how Sergio clenches his fists and covers them with his palms. "I missed you so much," he goes on, "Especially in their company. I wished you were there to make fun of them. No one of them appreciates my jokes." 

"Then they're idiots," Sergio shrugs, "If they don't see how funny you are, how kind and strong and brave and beautiful you are, they're just blind idiots." 

"If you saw those things," Fernando whispers, "You shouldn't have left." 

Sergio closes his eyes. "I couldn't keep doing it," he says so quietly Fernando has to move closer to him, "I couldn't stand seeing you with him..." 

"Sergio, I know you never liked Raúl, but couldn't you stay at least for me?" 

"Nando, this conversation is useless." Sergio gets up from the sofa sighing. "It's done and no matter what I say, we can't change the past." 

"No, we have to talk," Fernando says pulling him down, "We had to talk five years ago, but you decided to flee instead." 

Sergio flinches and Fernando instantly feels bad. 

"Okay," Sergio says, "Yes, I fled, I couldn't stay even for you. I'm selfish, Nando, I couldn't stand the thought of you slowly fading out of my life. It was so painful to see how I was losing you, that's why I left. After I was sure that he wasn't just fucking with you, that he was really serious, I-I fled. He was good for you and I... couldn't stand it." 

Fernando can do nothing but stare stunned at Sergio, while the younger man is looking down stubbornly. Fernando wants to ask what exactly Sergio means, but he's afraid that he already knows the answer. What his words imply could be too much for him to bear right now. 

"Anyway," he says, deciding to think about it later, "You aren't going to lose me again now that I've found you." 

He frowns when Sergio shakes his head. "Nando, I have to go," he says. 

"You aren't going back to that place," Fernando growls, "Never." 

Sergio rolls his eyes. "We've been through so much worse, Nando." 

"I know, but I don't want you to keep doing that anymore. Please, Sergio, let me help you. I know you're not a charity case, but you're my best friend and I don't want you to go through something like that again. Please, Sese, I want you with me like in the old times." 

"How, Fer?" Sergio says gently, "You have a boyfriend, it can't be like the old times. Don't you understand?" He traces Fernando's cheek with his index finger. "Don't be sad, Niño. Please. You're better off without me, trust me. I should go." 

Fernando grabs his hand. "Wait. Stay for tonight. Just tonight, please. You must be tired. We can have a pizza or something and then you'll sleep. You don't need to go back tonight. I, uh, hired you for the night, sorry." 

Sergio sighs. "Okay." 

"You will stay?" Fernando gasps. 

Sergio nods. 

"Thank you," Fernando cries and hugs Sergio tightly. "I missed you so much," he whispers. 

"I missed you too, Niño," Sergio murmurs hugging him back. 

Fernando doesn't comment on his breaking voice.

***

Raúl feels Guti's fingers playing with his curls and lets out a content sigh. But he can't ignore the guilt eating away his soul. He sighs again, not so content this time, and turns to Guti.

"We shouldn't have done this," Guti sneers, "That's what you were going to say, isn't it, Raúlito?" 

Raúl keeps quiet, but it's more than enough answer for Guti. 

"But I didn't see you objecting to it, when I kissed you, when I said we should go to the bedroom. No, wait, it was you who said it." 

"It was wrong," Raúl says. 

"But do you regret it?" Guti whispers looking into his eyes. 

Raúl looks away and doesn't answer for almost a minute, but then meets determinedly the blue eyes of the other man. "No." 

Guti smiles and kisses him. "Do you still think about me?" he asks, "Do you think about me, when you're in bed with your Barbie? Do you wish it was me in his place?" 

"José, please," Raúl murmurs. 

"You do, don't you?" Guti smirks, "Or else you wouldn't be here now. You wouldn't miss your flight home. You wouldn't be kissing me." 

"I wanted to come after you, when father changed his mind," Raúl says, "He even told me I can go to find you. But... Fernando thought so too. He was sure I was going to kick him out and run looking for you. So I... I asked him if he wanted to meet my father. He was terrified." 

"Yes, your father had the ability to terrify people," Guti says without a hint of humor. 

"So then I decided to leave the past behind..." 

"To leave me behind," Guti interrupts. 

"Yes," Raúl whispers. 

"Then you should go," Guti says. 

"What?" 

"You heard me." 

"I don't understand you," Raúl says, "First you run away from me, say you don't want to see me, then you let me in, kiss me, fuck with me. What is it? Is it your... revenge? Is it revenge?" 

Guti just smiles tiredly. "I forgave you a long time ago, Raúlito. I was really angry at you for being a coward and offering me to hide our relationship only for the first two years. But people tend to repress bad memories and keep the good ones, and we had so many good ones. I loved you. I never stopped loving you. That's why I let you in and kissed you, even though at the gallery I was too shocked to see you, especially with another man. I wanted something I had lost long ago, I was wrong. You were happy with him, and if you're really sure he isn't after your money, you would be happy with him till the end of your life. Now go and try to be happy again and forget about me. You're going to do it after much pining, so don't waste time." 

"But I don't want to lose you for the second time," Raúl murmurs, "I thought you would never forgive me, but you have. How can I leave you alone now?" 

"Are you going to leave Fernando to be with me?" Guti asks bluntly. 

"I... don't know." 

"Do you want to leave Fernando to be with me?" 

"I..." 

"Go and find out what you want, Raúl," Guti says, "I'll be here." 

Raúl nods and gets up putting on his clothes and trying not to look at Guti. 

"At least once in your life decide what you want and fight for it," Guti says quietly, but Raúl feels like he's screaming it at his face. 

He nods again and leaves.

***

After the pizza Fernando tells Sergio it's time to sleep. He rolls his eyes, but follows Fernando to the bedroom looking around almost fearfully.

"So you live here?" he asks. 

"No, it's just one of Raúl's apartments," Fernando says, "We live in a villa just out of the city." 

"Of course you live in a villa," Sergio murmurs, then halts suddenly, "I-I'd better go. I really should go, Nando..." 

Fernando's heart skips a bit. "What?" he gasps, "But you promised." 

Sergio sighs. "Yeah, okay." 

Fernando smiles again. "Get in the bed, you're probably tired." 

Sergio silently obeys, but his eyes widen, when Fernando joins him in the bed. "W-what..." 

Fernando grins. "You're going to be here just for the night. I want to spend every minute with you. Just like the old times." 

"Just like the old times," Sergio repeats and suddenly snuggles closer to Fernando, "Sounds good." 

For a brief moment Fernando thinks that Raúl should be already back by now and he will worry if he doesn't find Fernando at home, but then he decides that he doesn't care. Now when he can finally see the old Sergio under the mask of the new one, he doesn't want to think about Raúl. 

"So what are you doing all day besides saving abused prostitutes?" Sergio mumbles against his shoulder. 

Fernando cringes and instinctively pulls Sergio closer. "I'm running a coffee-shop." 

"What? Really?" Sergio looks up with wide eyes. 

Fernando flushes. "Yeah. I took some business management classes. Raúl helped me a lot." 

"Wow," Sergio whispers. His expression is pained at first, but then he smiles with that smile which always made Fernando feel stupidly happy. "So you're smart now, yeah?" he winks. 

Fernando punches him in the shoulder. "I've always been smart." 

"Okay, smart boy, now tell me from the beginning that story about your boyfriend and the love of his life." 

"No, Sergio, now you tell me everything you did during these years. Everything, Sergio," Fernando demands. 

Sergio shakes his head. "It's not interesting, Nando. Nothing has changed since those times. I've been travelling around the country a little, working in big cities, and recently decided to return to Madrid. Now tell me about your Raúl, so I will know whether to have a talk with him or not." 

Fernando snorts. 

"I'm not joking, Fernando," Sergio says sternly. 

Fernando sighs. There is no way to make Sergio talk about himself, so he starts with the incident in the gallery. But before he can finish, Sergio is lightly snoring with his mouth open. Fernando slings his arm carefully around the younger man's waist and falls asleep himself. 

In the morning when he wakes up, Sergio is still sleeping. Fernando keeps watching him, afraid to move and wake him up. But soon Sergio starts moving himself, tossing and moaning. 

"Hey," Fernando whispers shaking him, "Hey, Sese, wake up." 

Sergio jolts up with a sharp intake of breath and looks around frightened. 

"It's fine, you just had a nightmare," Fernando says, "You're safe." 

Sergio is breathing heavily and there are tears in his eyes, so Fernando pulls his friend to him. "Hey, it's fine," he murmurs. 

"I dreamt I was on the stage," Sergio says quietly, "And it-it was... you there." 

Fernando shudders and almost wants to apologize, but just holds Sergio tighter. "It was a dream," he repeats. 

"I didn't thank you for taking me out of there yesterday," Sergio says, "Sorry I just snapped at you, but I'm really grateful. I-I needed you so much, Nando. Every minute. I wished you would be by my side, would just hold me like now and tell me it's fine. I was so alone without you. So alone..." 

He's still shaking and Fernando doesn't know what to do. Sergio is finally talking and he doesn't want him to stop, but on the other hand there is so much pain in his voice that Fernando just wants to shush him and kiss him better. 

"Yesterday, when I was with that fucker, I was thinking about you," Sergio goes on, "Like every time when I was... When something like that happened. I was thinking that I could take it, that I could take everything, if I knew I was going to see you when it's all over. I thought if you just smiled at me once, I wouldn't care about anything. I need you so much." 

"I'm here, Sese, I'm here," Fernando whispers, ”I'll always be with you if you want me. That's what I told you yesterday." 

Sergio just shakes his head. "It can't be, Fer. You've got him now." 

"Don't say no," Fernando pleads, "Sergio, remember that day when we fought, when I offered you help and you got angry and said that you would leave? I went to Raúl's and there I decided that I would leave him. I came home determined to tell you that I chose you, but you were gone." 

Sergio looks up at him, and a sharp pain pierces Fernando's heart at the sight of his tear filled eyes. "You would never be where you are with me," Sergio says, "He's good for you. I wouldn't want this life for you as much as I..." 

Fernando feels anger take the place of pain in his heart. "It's not only about what you want or decide," he cries gripping Sergio's shoulders, "I needed you. I still need you and you do too." 

Sergio looks at him, all wide, tearful eyes and distorted features, and Fernando immediately lets him go and pulls him to his chest. "I'm sorry, Sese, I know you did it for me." 

He feels Sergio shake his head. "No, I did it for me. I know you need me, Fer, but I need you more than you will ever do." Sergio's voice cracks as he hugs Fernando tightly and whispers, "Because I love you, Fer, I love you more than anything and I never stopped during these years. I only realized it when you and Raúl got serious, but... He was good for you, look who you've become. You're perfect and you deserve happiness, and I-I can just be happy for you. That's why I left. Because I'm weak, because I love you and I couldn't take it..." 

He goes on, but Fernando doesn't understand what he's saying, because Sergio is half-sobbing and his words are coming out muffled against Fernando's chest. But the main thing Fernando understood - Sergio loves him. Sergio loves him, and he can't pretend it's about friendship. Sergio isn't talking anymore, just shaking and clutching at Fernando tighter, and Fernando can't take his tears. He's seen Sergio cry before. Many times. But now he's crying for Fernando, _because of_ Fernando, and it hurts more than anything. 

"Sergio," he says gently, and when Sergio looks up, Fernando kisses him. 

He tastes the salt of Sergio's tears and of his own. Sergio freezes for a second, but then answers Fernando carefully, as though he doesn't believe this is happening to him. They kiss slowly and pull back just as slow. Fernando blinks a few times and meets Sergio's dazed look. 

"Why did you do it?" Sergio croaks. 

"I-I just..." 

Sergio jumps to his feet and starts dressing quickly. "I'm leaving," he announces wiping his eyes, "I shouldn't have stayed." 

"I'm sorry," Fernando whispers, "Sese, please. I didn't want to." 

"I know you didn't," Sergio says bitterly and turns to Fernando, "I'm sorry too. Thank you for everything, Nando. I have to go now." 

He bolts out of the room and of the apartment ignoring Fernando's pleas and apologies. Fernando wants to run after him, but he knows that he can't do anything now. He fucked up big time. He stands in front of the half-open door and lets tears slide down his cheeks and fall to the ground.

***

Raúl isn't back yet when Fernando gets home. He turns on his phone to call him, but at that moment hears the front door open.

"Hey," Raúl says. 

"Where have you been?" Fernando asks surprised. 

"I missed my flight, I sent you a text," Raúl says. 

Fernando looks at his phone. "Oh." He doesn't know what he has to do now, so he decides to be mean. "So," he says, "How did it go?" 

Raúl sighs. "Don't you want to kiss me first?" 

Fernando reluctantly approaches him and gives him a kiss. It feels so wrong now. Raúl doesn't seem really passionate too. He pushes Fernando back gently and goes to sit on the armchair. He glances at Fernando, clearly expecting him to join him. Most of all, Fernando wants to run out of the house right now. He doesn't want to have this conversation. It feels like the end of something huge and he's scared. He sits on the sofa in front of Raúl and stares at his shoes. 

"I found him," Raúl says quietly. 

Fernando glances at him and smirks. "I found Sergio," he says. 

This is a game they often play, telling each other about their day, but now it doesn't seem funny. Raúl looks very surprised after Fernando's words, and it gives him a twisted feeling of satisfaction. 

"I asked him to let me in and he did," Raúl says. 

"I hired Sergio for the night and took him to your apartment," Fernando answers. 

"Guti still loves me." 

"Turns out Sergio loves me." 

"I missed my flight because I was with him." 

"I asked Sergio to stay for the night." 

"Guti kissed me." 

Fernando keeps his calm by the strength of will. "I slept in the same bed with Sergio," he hisses. 

"I wanted to go after Guti when father had a stroke." 

"I was going to leave you to save my friendship with Sergio right before he left." 

"I found Sergio a few months after he left and didn't tell you." 

Fernando doesn't manage to keep calm after this. He gasps and looks at Raúl as tears fill his eyes. He'd never think Raúl could betray him this way. He was always surprised that Raúl with all his money and power was unable to find Sergio in Spain, but never suspected that he lied to him. However, he doesn't stop the game and whispers, "I hired a private investigator to find him." 

"Sergio asked me not to tell you where he is." 

"I kissed him," Fernando cries. 

He hopes it will hurt Raúl as much as Raúl hurt him, but the older man just smiles bitterly. 

"I slept with Guti," he says. 

Fernando feels like he's been submerged into freezing water. He opens his mouth and tries to breathe, but only starts choking. He doubles over coughing and when he opens his eyes and wipes away his tears, he sees Raúl crouching in front of him. 

"I'm sorry," he whispers caressing Fernando's knee. 

Fernando wipes his eyes again and then closes his face with his hands. "What should I do now?" he asks. 

He really doesn't know. Raúl is the one who has taught him how to behave in certain situations, what to say, how to live, when you're not constantly struggling for survival. Now he has no idea what to do. He's never been in this situation. 

"You should punch me, tell me that I'm a bastard and that you hate me," Raúl offers. 

"I don't hate you," Fernando whispers. 

"You're too kind to me," Raúl murmurs, "I don't deserve it." 

"Why did you do it?" Fernando asks. 

"Which one?" Raúl says, "Why didn't I tell you about Sergio or..." 

Fernando doesn't answer. Raúl sighs and gets up to sit next to him. "Sergio asked me not to tell you. He wanted to be away from you, thought he could forget you that way." 

Fernando turns to him with a gasp. "You... you knew?" 

"That he loved you?" Raúl smiles sadly. "Of course, Nando. I guess one of the reasons I didn't tell you was my jealousy. Your feelings for each other were obvious to everyone but you two. Yours wasn't an ordinary friendship. Maybe you didn't realize it, but it wasn't. You were too close for friends, even for best friends. All you needed was a little spark and you'd see what you really felt for each other. For Sergio, that spark was me. I should consider myself lucky that he was selfless enough to leave instead of trying to fight, because I always knew that he would win." 

Fernando makes a sound in his constricting throat and Raúl pulls him to his chest. 

"Sergio warned me he'd kill me if I hurt you," he says, "But lately I do nothing but hurting you." 

Fernando still can't answer because of his clogged up throat and the moisture in his eyes. 

"I'm sorry," Raúl repeats, "About Guti too.’I don't know how it happened' is a lame excuse, but I really don't know why I didn't stop..." 

"Maybe because you still love him," Fernando croaks. 

Raúl stiffens. Fernando pulls away from him and looks him in the eyes. "What are we going to do now?" he asks. 

"We can decide to forget what has happened and really leave the past behind," Raúl says, "Can you do it?" 

Fernando closes his eyes and slowly shakes his head. 

"Neither can I," Raúl says quietly, taking Fernando's hand, "Then maybe we... should take some time apart. To think about what we want and what we should do." 

Fernando's hand jerks in Raúl's palm as he nods opening his eyes. "I'm sorry if I wasn't good enough for you," he whispers. 

"Fernando, it's me who isn't good enough for you," Raúl exclaims, "You-you saved me. You may think it was the other way around, but it was you who saved me. You were-you are so much better than me. You were... pure despite what you were doing, and I selfishly clung to you like a parasite." 

"Shut up," Fernando says, "I wouldn't be what I am now if it weren't for you. You're the most wonderful person I've ever known." He takes a breath and lets out an awkward laugh. "This feels like a goodbye." 

Raúl doesn't say anything, just keeps looking at him sadly, so Fernando sighs and gets up. "I should go then," he says and when Raúl furrows his brows, adds, "It's your house, it's me who should leave." 

"Where are you going?" Raúl asks. 

It's the first time in over five years Fernando sees tears in his eyes. He didn't cry even at his father's funeral. 

"I'll find somewhere to stay," Fernando shrugs. 

"I have plenty of places to stay," Raúl says. 

"No," Fernando says firmly, "Please, Raúl, I'm on my own now." He goes to the door, then turns back again. "I have just one favor to ask of you." 

"Fernando, you can ask as many favors as you want." 

"Can I borrow one of your bodyguards for a few hours?" Fernando asks. 

Raúl raises his brows. "Okay," he drawls, "Do I want to know what for?" 

"Nothing serious, don't worry," Fernando smiles. 

"Well then, I'll warn the guys." 

Fernando nods gratefully. "I'll be back for a few of my things later if that's fine." 

Raúl doesn't say anything for a few seconds, then silently walks forward and pulls Fernando into a hug. "I didn't want this," he croaks, "I'm sorry." 

"I'm sorry too," Fernando says biting on his lip, "I-I’d better go now or I'll never leave." 

Raúl lets go of him and presses his fingertips to his eyes. "See you later, Nando." 

Fernando kisses the corner of his mouth. "Thank you for everything," he whispers. 

"Fernando, wait," Raúl calls, when he turns to the door again, "I hope you're still going to take care of the coffee-shop." 

"No, it's yours, Raúl," Fernando says. 

"You were doing just fine managing it," Raúl says in his business-tone, "Besides, the fifty one percent of the shares are yours, remember?" 

"I'll give them back to you," Fernando says. 

"What?" Raúl cries, "You can't let me down like that. I can't find someone else right now who'll know the job better than you. It was your idea after all. You shouldn't abandon it." 

Fernando sighs. "Okay, I'll do it for now." 

"Thanks," Raúl beams, "Then who knows? We aren't breaking up, are we? Maybe we'll decide to get back together." 

"Yeah," Fernando says, "Maybe." 

But when the door closes after him, it sounds definite.

***

Fernando looks at the bar door with disgust, but Sergio lives in that building, close to his workplace, so Fernando has no choice but to go upstairs. He knocks at the door, waits, knocks again, waits, gets angry and kicks the door.

"Who's there?" he hears Sergio's hoarse voice. 

"It's me," he says. 

The door remains closed. 

"Sese, please, let me in," Fernando calls. 

After a minute the door opens and Sergio looks at him with tired and bloodshot eyes. "What do you want, Fer?" he asks passing his hand through his tangled hair. 

"I..." Fernando looks down. "I need a place to stay." 

"What?" 

"Will you let me in?" 

Sergio nods and moves aside. Fernando looks around Sergio's small flat and sits down on his couch. Sergio quickly drags away the blanket carelessly thrown on the couch and starts fiddling self-consciously with the hem of his shirt. 

"I broke up with Raúl," Fernando says. 

Sergio's eyes widen."What?" he shouts, "I'm going to kill him. Did that fucker kick you out?" 

Fernando shakes his head. "We decided to take some time apart and I left," he murmurs, "But it's the end, Sergio. I know it. He's always loved him more." 

Sergio sits down next to him. "Niño, I'm so sorry," he says, "He doesn't know what he's giving up." 

"It's not just because of him," Fernando says quietly, "I... I'm not sure about my feelings either after what you told me." 

Sergio stiffens. "It's because of me?" he whispers, "Nando, I'm sorry. God, I'm back in your life for just a day, but I already ruined it. I never wanted it, I swear. I-I was always dreaming about how you'd break up with him and come to me, but I knew it was wrong. Forgive me, I shouldn't have opened my big mouth. I didn't want this for you." 

"It's not your fault, Sese," Fernando says, taken aback by Sergio's obvious distress, "Raúl loves someone else and I... maybe I..." He shakes his head. "Can I rent this place with you? I don't have anywhere else to stay. You're all I have in this world." 

Sergio only squeezes his hand and after a few seconds spent on controlling his breathing asks, "Sure you can live here after your villa?" 

Fernando rolls his eyes. "I haven't forgotten the nights spent on benches, Sergio." 

"I wish you would," Sergio whispers. 

"I always knew one day I would come back to this," Fernando sighs, "By the way, do you have a vacancy at your workplace? I have to find a job." 

"No," Sergio shouts, "You won't, Nando, you can't. I won't let you. You aren't doing it again. You-you don't know... You... you can't, Niño, please..." 

"Serg, I'm kidding," Fernando says, "Calm down. Hey, Sese, I'm sorry. Come here, stupid, let me hug you." 

"You're not coming back to it because of me," Sergio mumbles tearfully. 

"I'm not," Fernando assures him, "I told you I'm running a coffee-shop, didn't I?" 

"It-it's yours?" Sergio asks, eyes widened in awe, "I thought..." 

"It's Raúl's, actually," Fernando mumbles, "But turns out fifty one percent of the shares are mine and Raúl asked me to continue managing it for a while. I know that he just wants to help me, but well, sometimes you should accept help from the people who care about you." 

"So you can afford to rent a better place than this," Sergio says with a sad smile. 

"Maybe, but I want to stay with you. Can I?" 

Sergio nods slightly before looking away. 

"Sese, just tell me and I'll leave," Fernando says, "I just... missed you and you told me that you want to see me after work, so... I promise I won't kiss you again." 

Sergio squirms and stiffens, then looks at Fernando. "Stay," he says quietly, "Please." 

"Thank you," Fernando says and smiles at Sergio, "I have to go to the coffee-shop soon. Would you like to come with me? We could have ice cream like before... If you want to." 

"What-what will the people working there say if they see you with me?" Sergio murmurs. 

"Don't you worry about it," Fernando shushes him, "Do you want to come?" 

Sergio nods almost reluctantly, as though he wants to say no, but he can't reject Fernando. The older man's heart clutches at the thought that he's hurting Sergio just by his presence, but he knows he has to be here, he has to help his friend. Knows Sergio needs him as much as he needs Sergio. He hugs him out of the blue, just because he missed it, and the younger man immediately hugs him back like he used to when they were still teenagers all alone against the cruel world.

***

Raúl slows down the car and looks out of the window. "There is Fernando's coffee-shop," he says.

"Oh," Guti says unimpressed. 

Raúl doesn't manage to hold back an amused smile. "Do you want to go in?" he asks. 

Guti rolls his eyes. "Nah, not burning with desire to meet your Barbie." 

"You're my Barbie now," Raúl says. 

Guti glares. "You know what's the difference between him and me? I can punch you without a second thought." 

"That's why I love you," Raúl grins. 

"Good, now let's go back." 

"But we just went out." 

"Doesn't matter, I think you need to be reminded who you belong to," Guti growls. 

"Is that so?" Raúl says, "Well, then I don't mind it at all." 

He flashes a grin at Guti and, before driving back home, glances at the coffee-shop. Maybe one day he'll really visit it with Guti, but not today. Fernando has told him about his plans and he's sure he won't be welcome there now. Sergio is probably nervous as hell, and Raúl doesn't want to unnerve him more by his presence. 

Raúl's guess is right, as in Fernando's office Sergio's hands are trembling and he keeps worrying his lip between his teeth. 

"Are you sure?" he asks again, glancing nervously at Fernando. 

"Yes," Fernando answers patiently. 

"What if... someone recognizes me?" Sergio pales just thinking about it. 

Fernando shrugs. "Their problem." 

"Your coffee-shop may lose clients because of me and you don't care?" 

"My coffee-shop is the best in the city. I'll have new clients." 

Sergio raises a brow. "You weren't so smug before." 

"And you weren't so shy before. C'mon, Sergio, you can do it." 

"I've never done it. I don't have the experience." 

Fernando rolls his eyes. "Taking a cup of coffee to a table isn't that difficult, Sergio." 

"The guys told me that it's actually a pretty difficult job," Sergio objects. 

"They also told you that they will help you. Now go to work or I'll fine you." 

Sergio grins and turns to go to the door, but Fernando suddenly grabs his arm. "Sese," he says, "Thanks for accepting the job." 

"Nando, actually, it's me who should be thankful," Sergio smiles, "I was a stubborn idiot, but you were even more stubborn and made me accept help from the people who care about me." 

Fernando looks into his eyes for a second and pulls him to his lips. When they break apart breathless, Sergio takes a step back. "What-what was... Why did you..." 

"If you work well today, you'll get more of those," Fernando winks. 

"You promised you won't treat me differently," Sergio says, "Do you give such rewards to all the waiters?" 

"Only to the one I love." 

Sergio stares at him for a good minute, then closes his eyes smiling. "Okay." 

He goes out without another word, but with a grin reaching to his ears. Fernando slumps down to his seat with a furiously beating heart and starts counting the minutes till the end of Sergio's shift so they can restart their long road together.


End file.
